Storage Wars

Back when I was born, the average house size was around 1,000 square feet. Today that average is more than 2,700 square feet, a 150% increase in size.

And yet, those bigger houses aren’t large enough to hold all our stuff. Americans have 2.3 billion square feet of self-storage space. One out of every ten households currently rents a unit.

According to the Self-Storage Association, it's now "physically possible that every American could stand—all at the same time—under the total canopy of self-storage roofing."

We could get rid of all our crap and end homelessness all at once.

Discontent

We excel at being dissatisfied with the present.

It is too hot or too cold…

not enough rain or too much…

too busy or not busy enough…

bored with the routine or don’t like all the changes…

too loud or can’t hear it…

can’t wait to upgrade to the newest technology, but then it’s immediately obsolete…

apartment-owners want a house, house-owners fondly remember carefree days of apartment-living…  

employees want to be their own boss, and bosses wish they could punch out after 8 hours and leave all the responsibilities behind.

In reality, something to eat, wear, and Jesus is enough. 

You Aren't My Pastor

It happens, every time I meet a group of pastors. Today was typical.

“Hi, I’m John Beukema.”

“I’m Pastor Andrew Peabody.”

“Andrew?”

“Pastor Andy, the children like to call me.”

“Well, since you’re not my pastor, may I call you Andy?”

Reluctantly he allows it.

Or the woman wearing clerical garb who responded to, “I’m John,” with “I’m Reverend McGillicutty-Smithe.”

“Okay,” I said, “but your name is…?”

“Pastor Elizabeth McGillicutty-Smithe.”

“Do you prefer Elizabeth or Liz or…?”

“Pastor Elizabeth.”

What level of insecurity or desperate need for authority drives this kind of interaction?

No ordination I’ve seen issued a pedestal.

Cliches, True and Tried

Just heard a political commentator describe the end of something as “match and set.”

Clichés are bad enough, but when you are so oblivious to what they mean that you use them incorrectly, you should keep as silent as a mouse church.

Some purely fictional examples:

• “Mate and check!” Turns chess victory into spousal identification, or a pregnancy test instruction.
• “Miss and a swing.” Changes baseball futility into a young lady on a playground.
• “Heavy and hot.” Transforms a passionate tryst into a July Weight Watchers meeting.

Some sayings are unaffected:

• “Oranges and apples”
• “Dangerous and armed”
• “Tat for tit…”

Four Twitter Follow Rules for Pastors

1. Don’t follow the opposite sex. I stopped following women unless related to me or on staff. The ability to DM can be misused. I don’t trust myself.
2. Don’t follow anyone underage. When teens from church follow me, I don’t follow back. That kind of direct contact can be misconstrued.
3. Don’t follow those who vehemently disrespect views opposed to yours. Other viewpoints are great, but following those who degrade cherished beliefs, could imply approval.  
4. Don’t follow anyone using the f-bomb as verb, noun, and adjective. This includes desperate-to-be-hip ministry leaders.

 These are my follow rules. Do they sound unreasonable to you?

Another One Bites the Dust

“Another one bites the dust.” Lyrics from a 30-year-old Queen song express part of my reaction upon hearing another ministry friend has imploded.

My less melodic response is “oh, crap.”

The news came moments before I preached from 1 Timothy 4: “Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.”

This guy had the doctrine thing pretty much figured out, but bailed on life. If only he would turn around. But right now he’s in the death spiral of denial.

I’m powerless to stop his crash…but not mine. 

Kittens, Skinny Jeans, and Other Questions from the News

Why don’t people save all the plywood they bought to protect their windows from the last storm? Plywood

How can someone’s motive for abandoning 19 kittens be a deep mystery? This was an act of horrible cruelty, but I’ve got a pretty good idea why it happened. Kittens

Why would banning skinny jeans for students sound like an important “line-in-the-sand” for school administrators to draw?  Jeans

Why can’t the U.S. be as commercially savvy as China and promote songs by Gaga, Katy Perry, and the Backstreet Boys? China

How can eyeglasses cost three times more than a flat-screen TV? Prices